Uncertain..

Had a long random chat with Sau until a point whereby we started talking about religion.

Yes dearies, I'm no longer attending church since about 3 months back. U didn't know? Now you do. I guess I'm taxed out by all the juggling with work + church, plus, to be frank, I don't really know who from church can I share the most deepest of my struggles and feelings with, without them feeling that I'm backsliding and start getting all preachy on me.

Yes, been taught to have friends and that iron sharpens iron, I've been sharpening other people's iron so much that I don't know which iron I can find to sharpen my own anymore..

Well, I tried to psycho myself that I shall look for a church to settle down or go back to my own church again soon after I sort out my thoughts when I left.

But interestingly, nobody came to ask about me, except my cg boys who came and asked me out for dinner and reminisce. And in fact when I told another churchmate that I left, he went, "oops, sorry." and i never heard from him again. Ha.

So 3 months after leaving, talking to someone about church from another church is awkward, but thank God Sau was friendly and approachable enough not to make me feel awkward...

The only issue here is that after 3 months from leaving, I really don't feel like going back anymore. Aye, give me some time to think through things ba..

Let me enjoy my leave and then think about this when I'm back :).

Bye people!

Powerpacked.

Powerpacked week.

Post night shift was Asia Conference week :). Totally awesome. Though physically tiring, but I never regretted going for it! Met a few other people who shared the same vision as I do. I think I can venture in this :).

God, I will need your direction in this...

Post Asia Conference was back to work, and a morning duty with audit (again). This time is yet ANOTHER audit on service quality. Was selected to answer questions. Not sure if I should be honoured that I was being selected by a senior management (according to my supervisor). Anw by the grace of God, we did very well. Anyhow hantam my answers and they say we did very well. Hehe :). Thank God!

Post audit went swimming with colleague at Mount Faber SAFRA. Finally got to see how nice that place with. The jacuzzi was really awesome for a long week of physically draining activities. Haha.

Post swimming, went to visit the Henderson's curve bridge. SOOO PRETTY. The view there is really nice. Immediately thought of the boys. Am so gonna get them to go there for their photoshoots!

Post.... post sight-seeing (?!) was Botak Jones session! Sinful treat after swimming :D. Been so long since I last ate Botak Jones!

Mmmmm. Shared a fish and chips :D

And my standing fish fillet looked like youtiao.

Anyone ever know that u actually pour this on your fries to make it taste nicer? And I love the taste!! We added alot, eventually, cuz its SOOO nice. I love vinegar :).

Just random blogging about my life la. Cuz I think this blog is dying. HAHA :D

PEANUTS.

That's how much I'm being paid every month for slogging hard, skipping meals, losing sleep and endure mental torment for superiors sometimes.

GOD! I need a breakthrough in my finances!!

On a lighter note, ASIA CONFERENCE IS COMING (: But I'll have to work NIGHT SHIFT on the week of AC, and I will miss like half of the conference :'(. Sighs.... I felt like crying when I know that I had no tag cuz Yvonne thought I could make if for none of the sessions, when actually I can go on Fri :(. Just hope that I can squeeze myself into ONE of the electives on Fri :(. Just ONE (2 will be better!)!!

I'm so excited for Asia Conference, really. Am praying that it'll be a great one! Woohoo!

Cg ytd revealed what I've been fearing for the past one week. I felt that it was coming, but I was hoping hard that it won't.. I almost cried on Fri when Yvonne announced it.. I told the members to welcome the new change, if need be, but deep down, I know its hard to change... :(. Sighs..

2008 is truly a year of changes and transitions for me.. I just hope it'll end well..

Morning prayer mtg :)

Packed packed packed!

I'm just so glad that I went for it. Its simply AWESOME!

There were SOO many people, that we had to wait like 10mins just to take the lift (there were only 2 pathetic lifts!!) up to Heart of God church for the PM.

So needless to say, we were a little late. BUT. We got seats on the 2nd row in the MIDDLE! Its been so long since I last saw Pst Tan SO upclose :D.

That aside, the presence was just aweseome. Like what the bible says, when two or three are gathered in His name, there He'll be in our midst. There's definitely more than 2 or 3s in the place, praying and interceeding, I guess God have no choice not to come! :)

I went for PM mainly for 2 things, breakthrough in my own life and cg multiplication!

As I was praying for cg, I was led to this verse:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified."
Romans 8:28-30

Just the day before, Yvonne asked me after I told her Adam may have to leave Sg to study overseas, "Cin, we're called right? What is happening?"

I couldn't answer her. Were we really called? If we are, why is our attendance fluctuating like that? And people are leaving for overseas.. What's missing?

I was unsure about the calling part. But I just felt that we need to pray. Suddenly I realised that we haven't been praying alot. So I told her that we need to hold a PM. And I also decide that this week, I should go down for morning prayer meet as much as I can.

Just the first morning and God confirmed it! Yes, we're indeed CALLED to his purpose! And the best part, all things are gonna work! :) I'm really believing for cg multiplication soon! :) Go go go N262!!!

As for personal life, Yvonne smsed me a verse the moment I found a seat in the place:

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."
Romans 8:37

I already felt strength welling up as I read that :). Then as I prayed, I just felt fresh new anointing once again. And it was this very de javu experience. I was redirected to when I first made the decision to be serious for God back in Hollywood days. And many flashbacks came. Then God spoke, "Redirect your focus to me. Serve me with the kind of faith that you had back then."

I realised I've been drifting away by doing things in MY way rather in God's way. Yes, the things I do may be "politically right", but may not be GODLY right. God is just so good. Even when I was faithless, He remained faithful :). Yes, I'm SOO gonna redirect my focus on God once again. I'm a little worried that I'm unable to do it cuz of my job, but I'm still gonna try my best and try God's best ;).

Looking forward to the rest of the week! :)

Crushed.

Was quite a bad day yesterday..

A SMS of concern to a member who wasn't doing well was perceived as a threat. I was being blasted by his uncle VERY badly. I wasn't even given a chance to speak up for "we have to be submissive to elders." Well I do not deny the fact that he's a lil' flaky... But sighs.. What have I done?

I took what he said a lil' too seriously. I thought hard, am I really not fit to be a leader like what he said? Not only about what he said, on the other hand I was still very concern over my member cuz I wasn't given a chance to even speak to him AT ALL. I don't even know what happened to him. Later on I got a lil' disappointed by him for doing what he did..

I was so crushed, my tap just kept running and running. I can't even attend prayer mtg in peace. Was so tied down by that whole incident that I just stepped out, went to the toilet and cried my hearts out..

Then God reminded me of this verse:

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

This was a verse that He used to encourage me when I was sec 2, when things are simply not going in the way I expected it to be. And in the same way, God comforted me with this verse yesterday :).

Well, I took the verse and tried to remind myself abt His goodness. But the words of my member's uncle kept "haunting" me, and I simply can't help but to keep crying. Then God moved in the way of people :).

He sent my beloved boys who came and were showed so much concern :). Tim put his hands around my shoulders and told me its okay. Then JY tapped on his shoulders, offering it for me to cry on. And Dennis went, "Who bully you? *cracks knuckles* I'm gonna scold them for you!". I felt so loved to know that my boys cared for me so much :). Yvonne also gave me a hug and encouraged me, saying, "If they reject your church, they'll reject you. Stay strong." Even Johnson asked how was I. Really felt nice to know people are concerned :).

During worship, the words came back again somehow, and I can't help but to cry again (my tap is loose man -_-). Then God spoke, "this is how it's gonna be. Are you up for the call?" It was so painful. But I told God, "I'll do it as long as u're with me and as long as this is your calling for me." Then I felt the peace of God, and the rest of the day was simply pleasant and fun :).

Ahh, God is good isn't it? :). I just love God.

I just pray right now that my member is okay. Heard from his bro that he's home and asleep. Aye. Pray, pray..

I told my sister about what happened this morning, my sis was like, "he can use his uncle, tell him, you can use your sister!" and my sister was like scolding the whole morning, feeling injustice for me. Hahaha. Super cute. But anw I told her I'll handle it myself. Just thank God for her concern. :)

Really thankful that I've got so many people around me who're concerned over my well-being. Cuz of my job and my role in church, I'm always the one who's bothered over the lives of people. Suddenly this surge of people being so concerned abt ME, a bit not used to it :D. But I'm enjoying every bit of it, and I really thank God for it man :).

Of cuz, through this incidence, I also learnt to mind my words. I mean although after telling a few people and they felt that I didn't mean any threat, but I feel that as long as one person perceive it this way, it probably meant that I have to rephrase my words in future. As to how, I don't know. God's wisdom and knowledge! :)

GOD IS GOOD!!! :) :)

Busy busy week (:

I realised that I last blogged during the audit week! :D.

Anw good news is, audit is OVER, and I wasn't audited. PTL! :). It was supposed to be auditing MY case, but eventually the auditors asked for yet another case to be audited, so my colleague went. But whatever it is, we passed the audit! Really thank God la, been praying hard for us to pass. If not our hard work all go down the drain man!

So post audit was...

1. Cell group :)
2. D&D :)
3. Post D&D partying! Woohoo! Rocks!
4. Church for svc after D&D and post D&D party. But svc was awesome enough to keep me awake!
5. Start of a sleepy night shift, chasing all the monkeys up and down. Aye.

Doesn't really looked busy, but I was really occupied :D. But I love to spend my time with things to do. I believe we have only one life to live, I nv really liked the idea of staying at home for too long :).

But of cuz, that left me rather physically drained, esp on Sun. But I love this:

"Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:25-26

Jiayou Cincinnati! 3 more nights to go! (And one more round of 4 night shifts 1 week later. Grrr.) God is the strength! :)

On a lighter note, Asia conference is coming!!! :)

So exciting! Whee :)

(You know, I really dunno what I'm blogging anymore. Post night-shift "hangover". Haha =x)

STRESSSSSSS..

Felt like I'm having some prematured mid-life crisis..

Have been feeling this burden, this big fat stress that's weighing me down. This weight that's crushing my hopes, my dreams, my joy and everything nice.

I've been totally stressed out by all that's happening in my workplace and all. Seriously, even on leave, I'm receiving emails upon emails about the changes that are happening in my workplace DAILY. I can't believe how much my workplace has changed just over the span of mere 2 weeks.


The fact is that Monday I'll have to return to this workplace of mine with a brand new routine to start with, and many new things that has changed over the 2 weeks.


Returned to my workplace on Wed to be horrified by how everyone is rushing to get things done cuz of the change of routine. Something that was usually being done at 1pm is now being done at 3pm. Its 2 hours late! Everyone is trying to catch up.


So on Monday, I have to deal with the new routine, PLUS the audit. And this week, I still have to read up on all the policies that has been changing again and again. Can u imagine, 1 policy can have like 3 changes in 2 weeks alone -_- And I was totally unaware. I hate the feeling of not being in control.


Met up with LBB on Thurs, am totally glad that at least we have ONE person who can understand what we're going through. Really need more of such sympathetic people around. I think we'll have a better working life..


I feel, unless u come to take a look at how we work, you will never understand how much we go through, cuz to everyone, my occupation is so menial. But if you really work in MY workplace, you will understand why we're making a big fuss. Its not just dealing with clients and their family, but its dealing with the SUPERVISORS and the top top TOP people :(.


Yes, you can say in every job its like that. But ever been in such a state whereby everyday you have to stay back, but you don't have the right to ask for OT pay. Even paying back of hours, no, no rights. You do things that are not within your job description, YET you still have to do, cuz the supervisor says so. Before confirmation, probation was constantly used as a threat to make us work. After confirmation, counselling and appraisals were constantly used as threats to make us work. Every single day so long as supervisors are on duty, you get to drink some verbal coffee in her office. Morale? Since when this thing ever exist in my occupation?


As if work stress is not enough, I still have to deal with my boys who are having O levels, and the numbers that never seem to be growing. Plus upcoming outreach events, planning for more more MORE.


I really can't cope anymore. And I'm ON LEAVE. I can't imagine when I start work. I think at this rate I move on, I'll be choked by all these stressors soon.


Heard of "chronic fatigue symptom"?

Today during cg, Estelle shared about Joshua and how God always encourages him to be strong and courageous. I felt blessed by the word, really. But I'm not sure how long more can I be strong and courageous. Battery flat alr la :(

God, help me to fight the good fight of faith!

Count your blessings :)

Such Godly-coincidence that I have to read about the story of Jeremy Taylor on Daily Bread on my Facebook after complaining on my previous post. Haha :D. I love this quote from this Oathman guy:

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost;
Count your many blessings - name them one by one.
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Nice :).

Gift of God :)

"As for every man to whom God has given riches and wealth, and given him power to eat of it, to receive his heritage and rejoice in his labor—this is the gift of God."
Ecclesiastes 5:19 (NKJV)

"And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. "
Ecclesiastes 5:19 (NLT)

Lets receive from God!! :)

Philippians 4:6-7

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philppians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

Christians, found this verse familiar? This is a verse that accompanied me through many examinations and many wind wind rain rain (风风雨雨) :D. I literally grew up with this verse, after John 3:16 :)

I was thinking of a verse to bless this special group of people in my life (cannot say which group! Or else my intended "surprise" is gone!) Its been bugging my mind for the past few weeks already. I've got the gift, just need the verse!

So today I typed "Peace of mind" in Biblegateway.com, and I was led to verse 7. I read and I was like, okay. Familiar verse. So I keyed in "The Message" bible version, and this came out:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

I was like, WOW! This is such a familiar verse to us all, but look at the way its being rephrased in the Message bible :)

I felt peaceful already, just by reading that. Hehe :)

God is awesome. My God IS very very awesome! Amen :).

If God is a human, I'll jump on Him and give Him a tight squeeze now :).

(:

I think the Lord is really great.

Seriously last night I couldn't sleep the entire night cuz of everything that happened (not just the feedbacks). Hardly caught a wink, and before I knew it, it was time to get up for work.

So on my way to work I kept praying for strength and joy, that I'll be less demoralised by everything that happened. The Lord showed my Psalm 71. I mean many parts apply to me alot, (except the gray-headed part! :D), and I felt so encouraged :)

And I was all ready to work (though I was still physically sleepy)!

So the day went on well, and it was almost time for handover when my supervisor came and said that she wants to speak to all of us, and will be asking questions regarding the audit (again!). She even asked me to stay back to do cleaning despite telling her I had to go church. Grrr..

But anw, she started asking questions. Then I realised she's asking from a set of notes that one of my seniors emailed to me 2 days ago and I read everything through so I know the answers ;). So when she asked, I could answer everything properly. She was quite pleased with me eventually, so she let me go off without doing cleaning! :). Ptl :)

So yepps, managed to rush in time for svc. Then fellowship at MS Xin Wang, then home.

I'm seriously tired now, but testimonies are meant to be shared, so I came online to tell about God's goodness! Hehe :).


Lord pls pass me pass me PASS MY PROBATION!! :S

Making the wrong move..

Went for svc today. Powerful sermon! I never thought of having faith in myself in this manner before.

Pst was sharing about Peter walking on water and sank, and Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Very often we perceive that statement as Peter not having enough faith in Jesus tt's why he sank. But after Pst shared about the educational status of the Jews in the past, we finally realised that Jesus was asking Peter, why didn't he have faith in HIMSELF.

Jesus chose the 12 disciples cuz he had faith in them that these people will be the ones who will spread his yolk. Peter knows! Its more of him in a state of unbelief. "Am I up to it?"

That sounded so familiar. I realised I've been saying this to my superiors many times when they asked me to do things. "Huh! Cannot la.." I will often blurt that out without thinking.

Even for the presentation that ended on Wed. I've been whining and say, "Huh, cannot la. Please..." But still, thank God for His strength, I went ahead, and in fact, I shared about "why and why not?" (quite an irony eh?), and many said I did very well for my presentation. In fact my superior had wanted me to head for yet another presentation but due to time constraint, it was called off.

I realise very often we deem ourselves as inadequate even before we do anything. Like what I shared during our presentation, cuz we are afraid that we will make the wrong move. "What if I make a blunder?" "What if I can't do it?" "I'm not up to it.."

Today I managed to catch up with a friend whom I haven't met for months. He was telling me about friends of his batch getting married. And he was apprehensive about marriage cuz his relationship seems stagnant. Turns out that he felt that its kinda a standstill, he wanted to let go, but the girl didn't want to cuz they've been together for too long (7yrs!). So they've been carrying on this whole thing.

So I just told him, since he wants to carry on then get married la. Both are of age, both are together for 7 yrs, what's the problem now? He said, "I don't want to make the wrong move la. Its a big decision you know."

So, if being afraid to make the wrong move is hindering you from moving on, then u should really consider ur move isn't it? Are u not having enough faith in this relationship that's why u're worried that u'll make the wrong move?

It sets me thinking the entire day about this this fear of "making the wrong move".

After today's message, now, to me, I thank God for God, I know that God has all his plans ready for me (Jer 29:11). Everything that could happen will have a reason, whether good or bad. I know ultimately its for a better future :) He has all the faith in me! So I hand everything to Daddy to settle. For my part, I will make a decision to CHIONG AR! Gotta learn to have more faith in myself man. Its a weak point that I need to overcome. My own sense of inadequacy.


My chains are gone, I've been set free!
My Lord my saviour has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy reigns.
Unending love, amazing grace! (AMEN!)

Looking back..

Today was a looong day, I was up since 4.30am in the morning and was home only at 11+pm after cg.

For some reason, I don't feel like sleeping. Felt this emptiness, had this urge to read my previous entries from my previous blog.

As I was reading, I felt so blessed.

Those who know me would have read my previous blog before, and know the kind of things that I went through for the past 4 months ever since I transitted to this new career.

I was reading, and realised how much I've grown. I'm not the same, O childish Cincinnati anymore, I've since grew up as a result of all these, no matter how bad they are.

And I realised, I'm able to cope so much better at work now. Previously I took it so hard whenever my supervisors scolds me. I often break down and cry many times after listening to those scoldings. I still remembered myself being so miserable after a comment made, and I cried while eating my dinner. For that 30mins while I was on break, I was sobbing.

But now, no longer am I that weak girl. I've emerged stronger from all the things I've went through :). I still cry when I'm hurt, but I've learnt how to wipe off those tears and move on.

The best part of them all, you'll love this :).

God was with me through EVERY SINGLE bad day that I went through :).

As I read, I saw so many ocassions whereby I'll hear the voice of God encouraging me, verses of encouragements or simply a loving touch from God. How awesome, isn't it?

"Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "
Psalm 73:25-26

I felt so blessed to know that God has always been there, shaping and moulding me to be a better person through these trials. There was a short period of time when I was really bitter, really cynical with life. I never wanted to trust anyone anymore. He showed me,

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:17

There was a time when my dad got himself into some bad debts and my house was at risk of being auctioned (as he may have to declare bankruptcy), yet he was doing nothing about it. I remembered myself being very angry and bitter with him. I felt that my dad is leaving all the junk to us and he himself being very happy and still out drinking. Yet the reassuring voice of the Lord said, "I know how it feels to be forsaken by your own father", and was immediately led to the scene at Calvary.

There were times when I felt that I've lost myself in work. I became so bitter with everyone that I simply drown myself in work so that I can get everything done properly and prevent scoldings. I didn't felt like doing anything else, didn't felt like going anywhere. My fire died down, I became another person. But God reminded me of the verse that led me to nursing,

"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16

At every point, God was there, picking me up when I fall, lifting me up when I was down. I'm just thankful that I could be at where I am now.

2 months more and probation will be over (hopefully). It was only 4 months and I've been through so much, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (talk about transition phase man!), I'm sure there's more to learn. I'm only glad that these 4 months, I have Daddy God with me all the time. When people are hard to trust, God remains faithful. :)

" but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

May this marks the start of a greater, stronger, joyful and better Cincinnati :). Glory to glory, amen? :)