Moral obligations

maybe morality did come from morons?

Today, I attended a session by a social worker in a nursing home.

Well, she was sharing about the financial assistance that they offered, and she gave a case scenario for discussion.

An elderly lady has 2 daughters who both earn about 1k per month and both has a teenager child to take care of. Though its difficult to fork out anymore cash due to the fact that both earn very low income, daughter A has decided to try to come out with $200 per month because "she is my mother", whereas daughter B simply refuse to come out with anything. The social worker then asked, "should we help this resident then?"

So I proposed that we should see what are the reasons why daughter B refused to pay. It could be due to the fact that the mother hasn't treated her well in the past and tt's why she refused to have anything to do with her mother anymore.

I was "challenged" with "if everyone who has a sour past relationship with their parents will come to us and say because of that they don't want to pay, are we supposed to pay for everyone?"

Which, I don't deny. To cut the story short, later on she went on to say things like she will tell the daughter B that the nursing home is not related to the resident but they're helping. If she doesn't want to help as a daughter, just pay as a form of "moral obligation".

I felt like telling at her, "you obviously haven't been through tt's why you can say that", but I held back.

Well if I'm daughter B and u tell me things like "nursing home is not related but we still help" and "help as moral obligation", I will be damn offended. You've never been through the phase whereby you have to spend your scholarship to pay the bills at home when you're still young, and you have to grow up faster than your peers because you have to learn to read bills, pay for the household stuffs, work harder to pay for anything and everything, all because you have a good-for-nothing parent. Well after going through all these and more, you expect me to pay out of "moral obligation" and that even "a not related nursing home" can do more than the blood-related daughter, sorry, I can't do it. In fact, I will be even more angry and walk out altogether.

Ahh, I guess different people has got different perceptions and thus see things differently. But I believe people who never been through it will never understand how difficult it is and thus, may never empathise why people refuse to care for their parents anymore when they're old.

Some people has never let go of the hatred in their lives, and even till the deathbed of that particular parent, they may still never feel any regret. Well it could be because of all that they've been through, or simply because that "good-for-nothing" parent never changed for the better. Whatever it is, the resentment is there and after years of being let down, suddenly you have to take care of the needs of this parent again, its difficult.

Its so easy to judge a person as unfilial when they refuse to take care of the parent, send them to nursing home and don't pay for their care. But what lies behind the strong refusal to have anything to do with the parent, is something that we should always see first before being so quick to point fingers at others.

Back from Genting :)

Back from Genting from a 3D2N trip :)!

The preamble for this trip was one that started with anticipation and excitment (cuz it's both OH and my first trip to Genting!) to one that was rather disappointing. As I was doing my homework about the trip, reviews online about Genting was pretty unpleasant. The reviews for the hotel that I was staying in (First World Hotel) can only be described with one word: BAD. My excitment was all dampen as I read those review just a few days prior to the trip.

But OH said, this is a getaway for us and we should just enjoy it! So we went ahead happily. It turned out better than I expected! So I will be giving a brief review of Genting :)

My 3D2N trip started on 1 Apr in Golden Mile Complex :D. Hahaha. The coach journey took abotu 6-8hrs. Board the bus at 11pm, arrived at Genting Highlands at abt 5+am on Friday.

Upon arrival, we walked around to recee the area first. As I've done some 'homework' already, we knew where we want to find. As we walked around with our luggages, it appeared cumbersome. Checked-in luggage at hotel and found that we can already get our queue number! I've read online that First World Hotel is the largest hotel in the world so far, and there're 5000+rooms! Needless to say, check in was hell. Luckily we got our queue number at 5+am, so we're number 152.. Otherwise can really die waiting! So my advice is, if you're going FWH, the moment you arrive at Genting Highlands, GET A QUEUE NUMBER IMMEDIATELY!

Headed to the casinos to take a look. We visited the 2 larger casinos in Genting: Monte Carlo and Hollywood (both in Highlands Hotel). Was reeeallly big! To gamble there, its recommended to sign up for a world card for free before gambling. You can cash in the card and play. Then if you don't want to play anymore, the credit will still be in the card, alot more convenient that using cash. Later on you can withdraw out the money from the Worldcard ATM in multiples of RM10. If you use just cash, to take out the money if you don't want to play is a hassle cuz the attendant must jot down ur passport number and u can only redeem it as certain counters with your passport.

Had breakfast at the casino (which we kind regretted cuz it was expensive and service was lousy, and they charge service charge -_-) then we headed to take the Genting Skyway(initially wanted to take the Awana skyway but it only operates during weekends.). I heard about the skyway but didn't know that the station was near the hotel! There are signages everywhere so don't have to worry about getting lost. The skyway cost RM10 (2 way) per pax. If you want to buy some tidbits or asam for your family, you can consider going to the shops at the skyway stations. There're really big shops selling sour plums etc, nuts and snacks at affordable prices :).

We were told by the reception in FWH that the queue starts at 12 but for our number, we should go back after 1. We kiasu and went back at 12+pm to retrieve our luggages. Firstly, we were shocked by the sea of people flooding in the lobby, for a moment I thought I was in the airport or something :S. Secondly, the queue number was like, 75 -_-. Anw to cut the story short, we got our room at abt 2pm (abt 1hr wait), which was better than I expected.

The room was... oookkkk. Very very basic considering we had a Deluxe room. If you're going FWH, pls note. Toothbrush is NOT provided, so rmb to bring! Bring along an air refreshner if possible. For us we were lucky as our level had very little smokers so our room didn't smell bad. One review I read, the lady's room reeked of cigarette smell cuz of some other people who smoked in their rooms, and the smoke traveled to their room via the ventilation.. But otherwise the room was ok la. Clean, at least. But i find it eerie, cuz our double bed has got 3 pillows and the mirror reflects the window and the TV reflects the doorway. It just feels spooky. But nothing happened to me so its just personal perception :D.

Took a short nap then headed to take a free shuttle bus from Highlands Hotel to Chin Swee Caves Temple. Quite a nice and serene place to visit. Shuttle services operates per hour, schedules is available outside the Hotel. Alternatively, you can take the Awana skyway to the temple during the weekends.

Returned to the hotel for dinner. We were too tired to go anywhere further so we had to have dinner at one of the restaurants in FWP. Prices are abt the same as Singapore's restaurants (think Xing Wang cafe, etc). Food is okay. The only flaw, no smoking policy in Genting is CRAP so I do suggest that you bring a mask if you're going lest you get suffocated by the people smoking INDOORS. Argh.

Day 2 we went for the theme park. With the worldcard, there's a 10% discount. So we paid RM53 for a all day park tix (indoor and outdoor park). There's a all-in-one tix at abt RM79 consisting of the theme parks + snow world + alot of things. It's tempting, but we figured out we won't be doing so many things in ONE day. Hahaha.

The outdoor theme park was alright. Rides were not exactly fantastic... Thrill rides are not exactly thrilling! Hahaha. But my advice is, go in the morning because the queue can be really bad in the afternoon! Recommended ride: cockscrew is probably the more thrilling one (though its just oookkk in my opinion). When I was there, space shot was under maintenance but reviews said that its good.. Otherwise you can pay additional RM10 + RM2 for flying coaster, now that's really fun! :D.

Indoor theme park in FWP has alot less rides. The more fun ones are the bumper car, euro express and 4D motion. Apart from that, the rest are all joy rides. But the indoor theme park opens till 1am during peak hours so u can play as long as you like :D.

Had lunch at Penang Food Village at Theme Park Hotel because of the reviews I read. The food is indeed slightly cheaper than the restaurants, but the food is only slightly above average. Service is not bad :).

Dinner was at a Vietnamese restaurant in FWP because of a RM10 voucher from the theme park tix. Food was not too bad but restaurant price. Indeed, you pay to get good food lo..

While playing in the indoor park, we went shopping in FWP. There're alot of local boutiques like Padini, Voir and etc, so can have quite a good shop :). There's another shop selling Malaysia local products in FWP, I think its level, the shop name is Heng Heng. Things are quite affordable also and fresh and tasty. There's a pushcart store selling wood craft items in level 2. Its on a buy 2 get 1 free promotion with free engraving! OH and I were won over by the girl's service and the really nice engraving done, bought alot of souvenirs back :D!

Wanted to try our luck at the casino again, so this time we headed for Starworld casino at FWH, which is the smallest casino of the lot in Genting. The moment we enter, aiyooo. The smoke from all those sickening smokers was really suffocating, especially in such a small area. We left Starworld eventually cuz it seem we cannot use the worldcard in starworld, and its so troublesome to get a temporary starworld card, so we left for Monte Carlo again. But again, the smoke was really bad that we stayed hardly for an hour then we left. The situation wasn't this bad in the morning, so my advice is, go casino in the morning! :S

Last day, we chance upon the Highway station canteen (highway steysen canteen) at resort hotel I think (just cross the road from theme park hotel). Food there is really cheap! One big plate of chee cheong fun + yong tau foo was only RM7 and you can be full from it! Very nice :). A pity we didn't eat there earlier! Beside the shop there's a convenience store (168) that opens 24hours, so if need anything urgently, can go there to buy :). Finally was last min shopping then had to run for the coach home :D.

Overall, quite a fulfilling trip, lucky for the homework done. Only pity is that we didn't get to find the Visitors' Galleria and heated swimming pool.. And of cuz, never really won big bucks :(. BUT well, did had fun and let go!

Okay, time to go back to mug liao, enough of reviews :).

Listen!

A friend, M, told us some situation that is going on in her life currently as we were having lunch after a discussion.

She was in dire straits (a little exaggerated la) and had no idea what to do next. As she spoke of her problem, the bulk of us started telling her things..

"I think you should _______!"

"Ya, I really think you should do _______..."

"How about doing ______ since you find it difficult?"

"Otherwise you can ________ la."

"If I were you, I would ________."

"I tell you what, you go and ________."

"Yayaya! You should just do _____!"

I was part of the "culprits" performing the above act. But finally at one point I got tired of trying to speak so I sat to listen. As the list of "you should" went on, I felt frustrated.

Its like, voices are going on and on telling M what to do. Have anyone listened to how she feel?

I tried asking, "What are your plans then?". It was quiet for a moment as she spoke; indeed she was rather lost. Then the silence was broken as one person started the "I think you should.." again.

I went home reflecting on the whole conversation. Many a times we thought that since people come to us with a problem, its natural that I provide an advice or a perceived solution to the problem. Well, that's what I've always thought is the right thing to do. I always have got list and list of advices to provide, stories after stories of how others or myself handled a similar situation. When these doesn't work, find some other situation that's worse and tell your friend, "so its okay, things aren't that bad yet." I used to feel proud of my counselling skills, thinking I'm not too bad as a "counsellor" at such a young age!

However, I learnt that in counselling, active listening is very important. I believe that applies to when you talk to your friends too. And guess what's a taboo? Providing advices and suggestions (well I believe it's important but not at the initial stages, definitely not after a mere few sessions of sharing). Quite contrary to popular beliefs of since-she-come-to-me-for-advice-so-I-give-many-advices isn't it?

A friend of mine once told me, "sometimes when people share something with you, its not because they want an advice. You think you're the first person who told them this advice? U're probably the 100th person. They just need a listening ear. You don't have to say anything more. Just be there." That slapped me awake from believing I'm that great. Hahaha. But I will always remember this statement.

As I sat there to listen to everything, I really felt frustrated. In the same way, I believe M probably felt frustrated as well. Then I remembered what my friend said, and it's really true. Here I am, encountering a situation that I believe M probably just needed someone to hear her out and not jump into giving her what seemed to be the "best" advice.

Well, what's done has been done. I guess since M felt comfortable confiding in us, I do believe that she also felt thankful that we tried to provide some solutions to her current problem. But I guess, learning from this incident, I should always remember to take time to listen instead of jumping into providing suggestions that we deem the best.

Food for thought for the day!

Toilet etiquette

I think a signboard like this should be placed in all the LADIES.

Its really horrifying whenever I enter the ladies and I see toilet seats stained with pee. Worse that I've seen, the FLOOR also has pee. And we're talking about SEATED loo bowls over here.

We talk about men being bad at aiming. We tease at them to go for aiming classes. Google images on"men aiming toilet bowls", lots of search results will appear. But I totally cannot understand why is it that the LADIES' toilet bowl can be stained with urine all over when we don't have to pee standing, let alone aim!!

This is of utmost embarrassment as I talk about this, but aren't we all taught how to use the toilet bowl when we were being toilet trained as a toddler??!!

Girls! I think it is really a very bad behaviour to accept. Well, I understand from my fellow girlfriends that some of them don't actually really sit on the toilet bowl to pee. They do a half squat (马步) to pee because they cannot stand the thought of sitting on a public toilet bowl. For people like me with contours gone all over the place, with a big bottom I do find it difficult to do a half squat to pee (think: centre of gravity). I mean, no wonder some girls have really slim legs... BUT that's besides the point! :D

Anyways, my point is, I don't really bother about how other girls pee, but isn't it basic courtesy to clean up the toilet seat if you actually dirty it because you chose to half squat to pee? Well the toilet bowl is for you to sit on but you chose to half squat, and now you stain it. Its your own pee and you've just dirtied the public toilet, I should think its just socially responsible to clean up the toilet seat.

I feel truly annoyed whenever I see dirty toilet seats. Even more annoyed when I see footprints (but the incidence is much less nowadays. I see more pee than footprints). Its even worse when there's a puddle of pee on the floor. I really don't know how the girls did it.

I remember someone once told me, Japanese were taught since young, to clean up the toilet seat after each use (whether dirty or not) so that the next user can have a clean toilet to use. I find this culture amazing, but its really the reason why EVERY toilet that I went to in Japan is squeaking clean.

I don't forsee such culture to be practiced in Singapore because firstly, our girls can't even "aim" properly, and secondly, they don't even clean up their own mess. Wait till this can be done before we talk about cleaning toilet after each use to benefit the next user.

It is shameful to talk about this topic isn't it? But girls, can we do something about this? *shakes head* Its disturbing.

I think the men are laughing at this. They probably never thought that ladies need to aim to pee. Hurhur.

Just a simple day :)

It was a hot Sunday morning.

Was awaken by my sis because she was last min called up for a flight. I was awaken by her dinosaur footsteps and heavy knockings as she rushed to pack her luggage. Time check: 6am. My alarm was supposed to ring at 9.30am so that I can watch doraemon, have breakfast then meet OH to cook our fried rice for lunch :).

At abt 11am, just as I was preparing to leave house, OH called and said that his mom has organised a steamboat dinner and I was invited to go. The thought of being unable to do assignments earlier as planned made me angry at the last min change. I flared up, but OH was patient and apologised for not telling me yesterday when he got to know about it.

I went ahead to his place as planned. Cooked an okay-standard tomato fried rice. Played some computer game that made us rather tired. Then came the fun part.

We had a pillow fight! I haven't had such a good laugh in a long time :). I never knew pillow fights can be so hilarious :D. We laughed and played and had lots of fun. I guess we both were tired and busy over the week. It seem that a simple pillow fight have relieved much tension, stress and fatigue in us :).

We lied on bed and talked about alot of things. We explored our Johari window :). Napped and it was time for dinner. Simple steamboat dinner with OH and his family, felt homely, felt comfortable. Chatted about daily life, random musings and all. Cleaned up, had yu sheng and I had to go.

For some reason, I felt contented and happy today. Despite the fact that I have less time to complete my assignment, I still feel happy. I guess its just pure simplicity that made everything nice. I can't quite explain it. Its just.... nice. Very nice.

Sometimes we try very hard to plan something fancy and wow each other. But today, I learn that sometimes, spending time with my loved ones can be simple and yet, it is enough to make a day beautiful, pleasant and nice. :)

The straw that break the camel's back

Yes, its probably the nth time this month that I'm writing about how drained I am, but I do need to ventilate. Sighs.

I think as a workaholic and a Type A personality person, I've grown accustomed to high levels of stress and in fact, am able to work better with stress sometimes. Well I do not deny the fact that my face becomes as black as charcoal and I'm irritable and fiesty when I'm undergoing tremendous stress, but I can cope ok with it.

BUT. I have no idea why, the constant high levels of stress have caused apathy in me. You know, a rubber band can be stretched, but there'll ultimately be a breaking point and there goes. I guess that's the same as the theory of the last straw that break the camel's back. Well, my back has long been broken. Now I'm in this apathetic (is there such a word?) state, lost all motivation and become increasingly frustrated and irritable. Just like a little camel who's broken his back, now he can't walk anymore and he's just feeling sorry for himself and lazing around.....

I started this course 4 months ago, along with my colleagues with high expectations. We dreamt big dreams about scoring good grades. We visualised ourselves working hard together, studying together and scoring good marks together. We bragged about how we will show our supervisors some results of our hard work so that they won't complain that they made wrong choice to send us for advancement.

But 4 months later, this excitement, this dream, this expectation, has all died down along with all the crap that came with the stress. Its not so much of the workload. Yes, its heavy workload, but I feel that its workload that is not applicable, not justifiable, not relevant, that's causing me to feel so frustrated. Well, like I've said, I can cope with stressful workloads (of cuz with a charcoal black face and hot temper), but not things that I cannot justify myself for doing it. The more work I do, the more I ask myself, 'what's the purpose of doing this? Is it gonna be applicable?" and many a times I find that I cannot find an answer to that.

With another 4 months to go, I just wonder how am I going to survive and pull through. With the level of motivation declining with the days and apathy rising by the minutes, I don't know how to last anymore. Its a lousy feeling. Whatever happened to all the high hopes, beautiful dreams and aspirations that came with the course? I don't want to go through the remaining 4 months with such a lousy attitude, because I know I will just produce crap after crap, getting angrier and angrier.

On a lighter note, its already midway into the course and just a little more and we'll be over and done with. As I'll always remember from my fellow colleague cum senior, A, who taught me how to survive the harshness of working life, there's always SOMETHING to learn, somewhere, somehow, even in the lousiest situation. I shall sit down over the weekend, with assignments piling beside me as my companion, and reflect on the learning lesson behind this.

Oh I've forgot. I have to go back to school for lesson in the morning later, on a nice Saturday morning. Aye..

NVM. Count my blessings. Be optimistic! *psycho psycho*

MONEY.

Do you always feel that money come and go very fast?

Today is 25th. 25th = payday.

I should be feeling happy that its payday, but no.

After paying all the bills and whats nots + saving, I'm only left with peanuts amount of money to spend for the rest of the month.. Yes, I've learnt to set aside savings FIRST before I spend it because I know people like me spend money like there's no tomorrow, and if I save the remainders, chances are there'll probably be nothing left.

I'm constantly feeling broke, why? :(

I do save, but the figures in my savings account never seem to go up :(. I tried to be frugal, but I know that's not my lifestyle and I never liked it.. Does that mean that I can never enjoy saving money? So to save money means bitter life? So I have to always be eating bread and butter or porridge with soya sauce for my 3 meals, wear clothes that last me 10 years (because I cannot go shopping), decline any invitations to go out (because that will mean spending $$) and worse, say "no" to short trips to give myself a deserved break?

That's VERY sad! No life!

If that's the case, I rather die poorly but I've lived a happy and fulfilled life, rather than dying with lots of $$ but I've probably not seen anything else but myself, my bread and my pet dog. Oops, I should be frugal so I shouldn't be having a pet dog. Argh!

But but, I really don't like the feeling of not having enough $$ to spend every month. Sighs. OH says I never set my priorities right. I just wish my course will be over soon, then my pay will increase! Please please!

Educated elderly

I was having lunch at TTSH kopitiam today and was having vegeterian bee hoon (cuz that's the only stall with no queue!). This elderly lady with her husband took a peek at my food and exclaimed aloud, "that's so healthy!"

I was gobbling my bee hoon halfway then I kinda realised she's talking about my bee hoon, so I just chuckled and told her that it's because there's no queue! Hahaha. Then we strike a conversation from my plate of bee hoon.

She asked where was I heading to, I told her I'm going to a ward in level 7 and she said, "Geriatric ward right? I know cuz we (pointing to husband) are also geriatric!" She giggled, then she went back to sharing her soya bean milk with her husband (super sweet! :D)

I was quite surprised by the term she used. Geriatrics. This is probably something that even a young layman now won't really know, let alone an elderly lady who lived in the era whereby education for girls was for the priviledged. Oh yes, she conversed with me in very good and fluent English throughout.

This is not the first time I'm seeing elderly like that.

I went to SAGE to visit once, and the one who addressed us and gave a talk was the CEO who is 72yrs old! He was so affluent and using powerpoint somemore! He gave a 3hr long lecture and he was still so robust and fit, walking around, very excited about his job. Hahaha. To me, its an eye opener.

My perception of elderly is still those who speak Hokkien/Cantonese/Mandarin/Malay, low literacy and does whatever you ask them to do. Nowadays this is not so. We've come to the age whereby elderly are getting more and more educated. They're able to converse in English fluently, perhaps even more fluent than us! There's even a council for third age for the elderly to persue higher education now!

I'm not too sure if its a good thing that elderly are becoming more educated. Well, I've seen educated and friendly elderly before, just like that one I've encountered today at TTSH. I've also seen elderly making a scene with some youngsters previously in a supermarket. The elderly man shouted at the young chap who was probably rude to him or something. He was like, "young man, you should learn to respect the elderly! You should be the one saying sorry!"

Yepps, still an educated old man, but check out the difference in attitude.

I think when people are a little more educated, they tend to get a little too high and mighty sometimes. Well, people think they know alot, they can get knowledge from internet anytime, anywhere. The pride may have brought about a nasty attitude in the elderly when they have this I'm-as-educated-as-you-but-I-eat-rice-more-than-you-eat-salt mentality..

I keep my reservations on the topic first. I shall let time show me more things before I pass a judgement on anything ya?

It just makes me wonder what kind of aging population we will be expecting in future? Its scary..

Time for work, time for play :)

Today is back to work with Monday blues..

Went to a new place today for attachment. SOO much better than my previous area! Was positively culture shocked by all the technology used. But the staff there said its bad. Well, try working in my stone age area, maybe u will prefer technology. Hahaha. Pretty nice, I'm quite expectant of my next 2 weeks here :).

The only problem is my poor sense of direction, and it really sucks. The layout of the area is round, and I keep getting "lost". So silly. And the place is not even big! Everytime I emerge from somewhere, I don't know which part of the circle I'm at anymore -_-. I think I've asked M so many times where's the toilet, where's the tea room, where's my assigned area, where's the exit etc etc. Goodness. "Kudos" to my "splendid" sense of direction. Haha.

Oh well, work is tiring, dreading. But silly things like these makes me smile at work :).

After work, I come home staring at all those ASSes again, and I feel tired. I don't feel like doing 'em at all, yet I know I don't quite have a choice.. Sighs..

The only thing I'm looking forward to, is the short trip to Genting with OH on the good Friday long weekend :). Yipeee! Its my first time to Genting (yes, call me suaku!) and I anticipate alot of fun!! :):) I also anticipate getting lost. Hurhur. So I shall stick closely to OH with superglue.

I'm quite excited for it, and that seem to be the only thing I'm looking forward to thus far. Actually wanted to go Bangkok but the tix are sooo ex during that period! With flight and accomodations + taxes, one person, cheapest we found was $435/pax.. Totally not worth it. So we went for Genting instead, hope it'll be good :).

Mommy (actually is my primary school teacher who said mommy. My mom don't say this.) always says, "there's a time to work and there's a time to play." I'm looking forward to play and not work! >_<..

Okok I shall go back to work! :(

comparing...

Have you ever been compared with someone before?

From things like "aiyo your sister also can get A!" to "even a 3 year old can do better than you!", neither of them sound pleasant at all.

The thing about being compared makes us feel lousy. Yes, we tell those who come complaining/whining/confiding in us about problems like these to just "leave it, no point comparing", blah blah. But when you're the one being compared, you can't help but to feel that teeny weeny bit lousy (or maybe more than just teeny weeny in some individuals).

The competitive nature of human being causes this ego in us. With this ego (being conscious), we tend to feel just like what people has compared: u simply can't get things done better than _____ (fill in the blank). Well, I don't know, but that's how I will feel, and it causes me to have this inferiority complex, and ultimately, I simply want to withdraw and do nothing, since that _____ (fill in the blank with the same as above :D) will always do better than you. What's the point of doing anything more since you know that you'll always be compared, there'll always be this high benchmark that you can never quite get to achieve? With that inferiority complex being set (just like a delusion), I will just feel that whatever I do is just like building sandcastle in air, i.e. in VAIN.

I totally hate this kind of feeling.

Its really lousy, and now I'm feeling exactly like that. There's this benchmark that I feel I will never be able to achieve. The dreams of scoring good grades have gone down the drain. Thoughts like "can pass can already" are floating in my mind, telling me that hey, since you'll never be able to achieve anything more than that benchmark, what for work so hard?

NO MOTIVATION. ZERO.

Right now, its just getting more and more frustrating. I just wish everything can be over soon, and I don't have to feel like I'm dragging my feet/fingers to do things that I don't see any point in doing anymore. Aye!

Fatigue.

I think human beings are hard to please.

When we're working, we wished we are students.

When we're students, we wished we are working.

Now that I'm a student AND working (attachment), I wished that I'm doing neither. HAHA.

Aiyoo so tired! I think I've lost the working pace after 3 months of sedentary full-time schooling Well its not really sedentary but at least we sit in classroom, snack and use brain power, nothing physical.

Previously I was able to do a proper, hectic morning shift, STANDING (can't quite sit!), and without the need to even go for my break. Yet after work I can go swim with bf, makan with colleagues or go shopping with Ms Ang. Now, after 2 consecutive morning shifts, with full 1hr break (can go hawker centre with lecturer makan somemore) I went home with a headache and sheer fatigue. My plan to go for a short jog was screwed by my sore feet.

I'm DECONDITIONING. Functional decline secondary to SCHOOL! Goodness. I need rehabilitation!

Blogging again.. :S

Oops, its been officially 3 months since I last blogged!

To think blogging used to my "life", and now I can go ahead without blogging for 3 months. Life has changed eh?

Blogging was something so essential in my life in the past. I can blog like 3 posts everyday about all the rubbish I do (and I wonder if people even read them but who cares! Those were awesome memories :)). Not forgetting all the "teenage lingos" I used to add in my blog like lahz, lorz, hahaz, ..., worxxx, etc etc. Those were the days! I can just retrieve any entry I want and have a good read, reminiscing about all the fun moments in the past :).

I guess what made blogging such an important part of my teenage life (I blogged since sec 2!) was that when I was down and I simply just want to shy away from people, yet I wished someone can know about how I feel, I can always blog. The blog is there, it doesn't reply, it just lets you type all the ventilations you want. Yet, people can read and reply all their views, encouragements and the like in your "taggy". It's encouraging, and sometimes it allows me to see things from another perspective that I've never seen before. Just by blogging, I made friends with people around the world!

Well, back then when things weren't that complex, you can blog about all your views and anything under the sun with no reservations. But things just aren't the same. You may notice that you probably can't find any of those posts that has the "teenage lingos" I mentioned, cuz this is a new blog that was set up 2 yrs ago due to some issues that arised because of some ventilations I made in my previous blog. I still felt rather angry about it because there was nothing confidential being disclosed, neither did I "tarnish the image" of my profession (as complained). All I did was to ventilate my emotions during the very painful period of probation at work. And because of that, I almost had to face disciplinary actions by my supervisor, but thankfully she was understanding and did not do anything more than just "gentle interrogation". Hence, I had to password block my 1000+-entry blog.

This incident has destroyed my passion for blogging completely, because I have to blog with alot more caution, for fear the same things may happen again. Sometimes I don't even know how to ventilate anymore. Its just lousy. I just blog in my password protected old blog occasionally, but there's no joy in it. Slowly I just shy away from blogging.

But now, I hope I can make a comeback in blogging again! :). I shall dedicate a little more time to blog about my life, my thoughts and anything interesting that I encounter :).

Well well, the bottomline after all these rubbish, blog with caution. I've now come with a new identity, and unless you're my friend, u probably won't know what I work as, what's my real name, blah blah. Of cuz, I may have to change the way I blog alot, but I guess that's but the only thing I can do for now, in order to still enjoy blogging :).

I shall update this blog more often with my random musings :). Stay tuned! :)

See? I'm so long-winded, how can I not blog! I'm wasting my talents! HAHA :D

When time is up..

I'm really convinced now when the older folks say, "when your time is up, its up."

The other day I was on night duty. At 4+am I was still looking at uncle who was sitting up and smiling at me. 5+am when I went to attend to him, he was unresponsive. I thought I was dreaming and it was just one of those time whereby I'm knocking off soon and my eyes were playing tricks on me. When I shook and shook and he didn't respond and there was no spontaneous breathing, I know I've lost him.

As the family turned up, crying at the sudden loss of their loved one, I felt like crying myself. I was still recovering from shock myself. I explained to them what happened, and I felt my lips quivering. Like, what just happened?? Wasn't he still alive just now and looking at me?

Its when you're so helpless, u can't say, "its gonna be alright" cuz its not. He's dead.

After experiencing so many people leaving my life just like that, you really have to admit that sometimes some things are just meant to be. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Whatever you do will just be deemed futile. So just treasure everyone around you now, for you really won't know. The next moment you see them will be just during their funeral. Sighs.

Sorry for being so morbid and gloomy, but its really sad! Just need to let it out...

Updates.

Wow, its been one month since I last blogged here! :S

Sorry for the lack of updates! I'm still alive, really! Life hasn't been exactly awesome for the past one month as I struggled with tiring rosters, preceptee who doesn't seem to understand anything I say and of cuz, the stress at work which is a constant.

The only thing I thank God alot for is an OH who supports, loves and is always there for me :). Thanks dear... <3

I was just talking to him yesterday, after a relaxing camping trip at Changi Beach (superb place! Better than ECP!!), looking back at my life I feel a little sad that I have to face the harshness of working world at such a young age.

I believe all the poly graduates will understand what I mean.

Upon graduation, we're only mere nineteen-year-old fresh graduates. If you have nice colleagues, they will "sayang sayang" you for being a xiao mei mei/di di (little girl/boy). But if u are in a working environment that is full of politics, people will just tekan you because you're young.

But I'm thankful I have nice colleagues, won't deny the fact that there are bad ones too, but still, I'm thankful for surviving. I do wish I had more time in school and that I will be able to enjoy more of those student days. Seriously, there are days when I hated work so much, I just wish I have the money to pay the bond and tender in my resignation. But well, also thank God for the bond, that I'm still here, learning how to survive in the workplace earlier than all my peers in university.

I guess this is life. Its just that I have to face it younger.

SIM sent me a brochure on degree courses at SIM Global. I was seriously contemplating to join the part time degree course (over 2 years). But sister asked, "are u coping at work anot first?" That struck me. I'm not.

I just hope all these will go away as I continue to learn how to cope, how to handle all the difficult situations that will face me in time to come. Keep me in prayers :)

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

As I was looking through my MSN contacts today, some names led me into deep thoughts..

Aren't these the people who always went, "u can count on me!" or "lets keep in touch", and the like? What happened to them now?

As we pass through life, we will have met people from all over the places who call themselves "friends" to you. These may be people from ur school, church, workplace, etc. But isn't it sad that when you leave these places, all these "friends" leave altogether as well?

It just makes me feel sad that after I left this institution, all those so-call "friends" of mine haven't quite gotten in touch with me anymore. And sadly, these were the people whom I confided in or who confided in me. And now, I don't even hear from them anymore.

So, u may say that I'm also one of the culprits, for I didn't take the initiative to keep in touch. Alright, I won't deny it. Maybe I should start saying hi again?

Ahh. Shall not let such thoughts spoil my beautiful Saturday. Moreover, I'm going out with my OH so I should cheer up! :)

PMS

"Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) is a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle."

Its something every girl goes through monthly.

Its the time of the month whereby you'll just do silly shit for no reason.
Shout for no reason.
Cry for no reason.
Laugh for no reason.
Eat for no reason.
Starve for no reason.
Tired for no reason.
Hyper for no reason.
Grouch for no reason.
Irritated for the slightest or even no reason.
Mood swings like mad with no reason!
Just want to cuddle your little teddy, hide under those nice comforter and have some sweet chocolate ice cream (to hell with all the diet plans).

But when you are working, in order to present your professional image, you hide 'em. Trying ur best to mask everything.

So after suppressing your deepest emotions, you just wish that those close to you actually understands what you're going through instead of getting mad when you do irrational and silly things.

Being a woman is not easy. Do men actually understand? Or do they think that we're just trying to be silly/difficult/irritating/______(fill in the blanks) and using PMS as an excuse?

What do you men know?!

Okay fine. I hate to be a woman. Maybe I should be a man.

AHH. I'm PMS-ing. Can't you tell?! Damn it!

Okay I'm really, going irrational already. Stop it Cinthia, stop it!

Bruxism

Something to share :D. Its a lengthy post as I directly copied and paste from Wikipedia, so u can skip the details if you want :). Mainly read the headings and the 1st line :D. Hahah.

Bruxism (from the Greek βρυγμός (brugmós), gnashing of teeth) is the grinding of the teeth, and is typically accompanied by the clenching of the jaw. It is an oral parafunctional activity that occurs in most humans at some time in their lives. In most people, bruxism is mild enough not to be a health problem. While bruxism may be a diurnal or nocturnal activity, it is bruxism during sleep which causes the majority of health issues, and can even occur during short naps. Bruxism is one of the most common sleep disorders.

Associated factors
The following factors are associated with bruxism.

• Disturbed sleep patterns and other sleep disorders (obstructive sleep apnea, hypopnea, snoring, moderate daytime sleepiness)
• Malocclusion, in which the upper and lower teeth occlude in a disharmonic way, e.g., through premature contact of back tooth
• Relatively high levels of consumption of caffeinated drinks and foods, such as coffee, colas, and chocolate
• High levels of blood alcohol
• Smoking
• High levels of anxiety, stress, work-related stress, irregular work shifts, stressful profession and ineffective coping strategies
• Medication, such as SSRIs and stimulants
• Hypersensitivity of the dopamine receptors in the brain
• Stimulant drugs, particularly those of the amphetamine-based family (MDMA)
• GHB and similar GABA-inducing analogues such as Phenibut, when taken with high frequency
• Disorders such as Huntington's and Parkinson's diseases
  

Treatment
There is no single accepted cure for bruxism. However, treatments are available.

Bruxism may be reduced or even eliminated when the associated factors, e.g. sleep disorders, are treated successfully

Mouthguards and splints (you can skip the details if you want :D)
Ongoing management of bruxism is based on minimizing the abrasion of tooth surfaces by the wearing of an acrylic dental guard or splint, designed to the shape of an individual's upper or lower teeth from a bite mould. Mouthguards are obtained through visits to a dentist for measuring, fitting, and ongoing supervision. There are four possible goals of this treatment: constraint of the bruxing pattern such that serious damage to the temperomandibular joints is prevented, stabilization of the occlusion by minimizing the gradual changes to the positions of the teeth that typically occur with bruxism, prevention of tooth damage, and the enabling of a bruxism practitioner to judge — in broad terms — the extent and patterns of bruxism, through examination of the physical indentations on the surface of the splint. A dental guard is typically worn on a long-term basis during every night's sleep.

Professional treatment is medically recommended to ensure proper fit, make ongoing adjustments as needed, and check that the occlusion (bite) has remained stable. Monitoring of the mouthguard is suggested at each dental visit.

Another type of device sometimes given to a bruxer is a repositioning splint. A repositioning splint may look similar to a traditional night guard, but is designed to change the occlusion, or "bite," of the patient. Randomly controlled trials with these type devices generally show no benefit over more conservative therapies and they should be avoided under most if not all circumstances.

The NTI-tss device is another option that can be considered. The NTI covers only the front teeth and prevents the rear molars from coming into contact, thus limiting the contraction of the temporalis muscle. The NTI must be fitted by your dentist.

The efficacy of such devices is debated. Some writers propose that irreversible complications can result from the long-term use of mouthguards and repositioning splints.

Botox (HAHAHAH!!)
Botulinum toxin (Botox) has recently been seen to be very successful in treating the grinding and clenching of bruxism. Botox is an injectable medication that weakens muscles and is used commonly in cosmetic procedures to relax the muscles of the face and decrease the appearance of wrinkles. Botox was not originally developed for cosmetic use, however. It was, and continues to be, used to treat diseases of muscle spasticity such as blepharospasm (eyelid spasm), strabismus (crossed eyes) and torticollis (wry neck). Bruxism can also be regarded as a disorder of repetitive, unconscious contraction of the masseter muscle (the large muscle that moves the jaw). Botox works very well to weaken the muscle enough to stop the grinding and clenching, but not so much as to interfere with chewing or facial expressions. The strength of Botox is that the medication goes into the muscle, weakens it and does not get absorbed into the body. The procedure involves about five or six simple, relatively painless injections into the masseter muscle. It takes a few minutes per side and the patient starts feeling the effects the next day. Occasionally, some bruising can occur, but this is quite rare. The symptoms that are helped by this procedure include:

• Grinding and clenching
• Morning jaw soreness
• TMJ pain
• Muscle tension throughout the day
• Migraines triggered by clenching
• Neck pain and stiffness triggered by clenching

The optimal dose of Botox must be determined for each person as some people have stronger muscles that need more Botox. This is done over a few touch up visits with the physician injector. This treatment is expensive, but sometimes Botox treatment of Bruxism can be billed to medical insurance (plans vary - its good to call your plan beforehand to find out what is covered and what documentation is necessary). The effects last for 3 months or so. The muscles do atrophy; however, so after a few rounds of treatment it is usually possible to either decrease the dose or increase the interval between treatments.

Other authorities caution that Botox should only be used for temporary relief for severe cases and should be followed by diagnosis and treatment to prevent future bruxism or jaw clenching, suggesting that prolonged use of Botox can lead to permanent damage to the jaw muscle.

Dietary supplements
There is limited evidence that suggests taking certain combinations of dietary supplements may alleviate bruxism; pantothenic acid[citation needed], magnesium, and calcium have been examined.

(information taken from wikipedia.org)

Reason why I put this is because I grind my teeth during sleep and seems like my sister has been telling me since I was quite young. And apparently, the problem seem to be getting worse lately, but I'm not sure if its true! Cuz I dunno :D. I'm asleep what. I get from feedbacks :D.

And I see the associating factors, I kinda understand why. I drink so much coffee and am under so much stress, I think I will grind my teeth till it turns into powder soon :S.

ANW. After reading the article, I'm proud to say, I have all the reason to go for botox! Don't stop me! :D Heh heh.

But before I go for botox, maybe a cheaper alternative will be a proper mouth guard. But I seriously feel like some mad dog if I really wear a mouth guard to sleep. And I'm very sure I will wake up with wet pillow from all the drool! EEeeeeks!

Looks like I will be wearing dentures before everyone of you :D

ARRRGHH..

I'M ON DUTY THIS WEEKEND AGAIN!!
I'M ON DUTY NEXT WEEKEND AGAIN!!
AND I'M ON WEEKEND NIGHT YET AGAIN!!!

WHAT THE HELL.

This is just crap la. When can I EVER get another weekend off?!?!?!?

As if this is not enough, yet another thing to Argh about:

MY OH IS OVERSEAS ON V-DAY!! :'(.

I'm certainly looking like the baby in the picture, albeit more less cute. Er hem. Sighs.

I feel that my life is so sad. Hahaha. But NEVERMIND. I'll probably go for an ex colleague's wedding, then maybe da bao some nice makan back for my another colleague who's on call if time permits :). V-day is not just about me and OH, but everyone around me too ;). Hehe.

Okay Cin, stop whining, go and sleep. Tmr is AM shift....... (SIAN)

WEEKEND ON AGAIN

Grrrrrr. I keep having to work on weekends! I hate this :(.

For how many weekends I've been working alr. But I don't want to request, cuz if I keep requesting weekends off, I won't get the chance to take the off next time lo.

Request also no use la. I requested a day off for 16th cuz my other half (OH) is off. THEN I was scheduled to go for some talk and be an usher, given official hours somemore. Best.

Grrrr.. I just want more weekends off, or at least give me one off one AM shift or something like that la. Very sad. Especially when my OH is a 5-day workweek person! Hmmm :(

Ahh just want to whine. Going to sleep soon. Yes tmr is Saturday and I'm working AM shift. While everyone is snoozing their heads off and waking up late, I've gotta be up at 4.45am to prepare. ARGH!!!! >_<

Complain complain! >_<

Nobody wants to read my blog no more :(

HELLO EVERYONE! Sorry for the LOoooOoooooooOOOoong delay. If Junyuan haven't told me, I wouldn't have realised that I haven't been blogging for 1 month +! Man!

To think I used to blog like twice a day? HAHA :D Silly silly me.

For the past one month, basically I've been rather busy. Many things have happened. I've been writing notes on Facebook instead cuz I can write them on the go, using Facebook Mobile via my HP. For those who doesn't have FB, summary:

- Thanks to all ur prayers. My aunt decide to pull the plug since my cousin was certified brain dead. So yepps. He left peacefully la.

- New year was spent camping with my other half, and had lots of fun!

- CNY reunion dinner, brought him to show mommy, and mommy seem to like him :). Hehe.

- CNY day 1 went to grandma's place. Mixed feelings, dealing with a loss and yet an inclusion to the family. Its odd. But everything brought us closer, which is good to a certain extent..

- Apart from these special occasions, I've been basically working hard in my workplace still. Still slogging hard to deliver the best I can :D. And still complaining alot, as usual. Hehe.

That's so much about my life since the last post.

To everyone, Happy Niu Year :).

I will try to update more la :D. Hahaha. So sorry!