Just a simple day :)

It was a hot Sunday morning.

Was awaken by my sis because she was last min called up for a flight. I was awaken by her dinosaur footsteps and heavy knockings as she rushed to pack her luggage. Time check: 6am. My alarm was supposed to ring at 9.30am so that I can watch doraemon, have breakfast then meet OH to cook our fried rice for lunch :).

At abt 11am, just as I was preparing to leave house, OH called and said that his mom has organised a steamboat dinner and I was invited to go. The thought of being unable to do assignments earlier as planned made me angry at the last min change. I flared up, but OH was patient and apologised for not telling me yesterday when he got to know about it.

I went ahead to his place as planned. Cooked an okay-standard tomato fried rice. Played some computer game that made us rather tired. Then came the fun part.

We had a pillow fight! I haven't had such a good laugh in a long time :). I never knew pillow fights can be so hilarious :D. We laughed and played and had lots of fun. I guess we both were tired and busy over the week. It seem that a simple pillow fight have relieved much tension, stress and fatigue in us :).

We lied on bed and talked about alot of things. We explored our Johari window :). Napped and it was time for dinner. Simple steamboat dinner with OH and his family, felt homely, felt comfortable. Chatted about daily life, random musings and all. Cleaned up, had yu sheng and I had to go.

For some reason, I felt contented and happy today. Despite the fact that I have less time to complete my assignment, I still feel happy. I guess its just pure simplicity that made everything nice. I can't quite explain it. Its just.... nice. Very nice.

Sometimes we try very hard to plan something fancy and wow each other. But today, I learn that sometimes, spending time with my loved ones can be simple and yet, it is enough to make a day beautiful, pleasant and nice. :)

The straw that break the camel's back

Yes, its probably the nth time this month that I'm writing about how drained I am, but I do need to ventilate. Sighs.

I think as a workaholic and a Type A personality person, I've grown accustomed to high levels of stress and in fact, am able to work better with stress sometimes. Well I do not deny the fact that my face becomes as black as charcoal and I'm irritable and fiesty when I'm undergoing tremendous stress, but I can cope ok with it.

BUT. I have no idea why, the constant high levels of stress have caused apathy in me. You know, a rubber band can be stretched, but there'll ultimately be a breaking point and there goes. I guess that's the same as the theory of the last straw that break the camel's back. Well, my back has long been broken. Now I'm in this apathetic (is there such a word?) state, lost all motivation and become increasingly frustrated and irritable. Just like a little camel who's broken his back, now he can't walk anymore and he's just feeling sorry for himself and lazing around.....

I started this course 4 months ago, along with my colleagues with high expectations. We dreamt big dreams about scoring good grades. We visualised ourselves working hard together, studying together and scoring good marks together. We bragged about how we will show our supervisors some results of our hard work so that they won't complain that they made wrong choice to send us for advancement.

But 4 months later, this excitement, this dream, this expectation, has all died down along with all the crap that came with the stress. Its not so much of the workload. Yes, its heavy workload, but I feel that its workload that is not applicable, not justifiable, not relevant, that's causing me to feel so frustrated. Well, like I've said, I can cope with stressful workloads (of cuz with a charcoal black face and hot temper), but not things that I cannot justify myself for doing it. The more work I do, the more I ask myself, 'what's the purpose of doing this? Is it gonna be applicable?" and many a times I find that I cannot find an answer to that.

With another 4 months to go, I just wonder how am I going to survive and pull through. With the level of motivation declining with the days and apathy rising by the minutes, I don't know how to last anymore. Its a lousy feeling. Whatever happened to all the high hopes, beautiful dreams and aspirations that came with the course? I don't want to go through the remaining 4 months with such a lousy attitude, because I know I will just produce crap after crap, getting angrier and angrier.

On a lighter note, its already midway into the course and just a little more and we'll be over and done with. As I'll always remember from my fellow colleague cum senior, A, who taught me how to survive the harshness of working life, there's always SOMETHING to learn, somewhere, somehow, even in the lousiest situation. I shall sit down over the weekend, with assignments piling beside me as my companion, and reflect on the learning lesson behind this.

Oh I've forgot. I have to go back to school for lesson in the morning later, on a nice Saturday morning. Aye..

NVM. Count my blessings. Be optimistic! *psycho psycho*

MONEY.

Do you always feel that money come and go very fast?

Today is 25th. 25th = payday.

I should be feeling happy that its payday, but no.

After paying all the bills and whats nots + saving, I'm only left with peanuts amount of money to spend for the rest of the month.. Yes, I've learnt to set aside savings FIRST before I spend it because I know people like me spend money like there's no tomorrow, and if I save the remainders, chances are there'll probably be nothing left.

I'm constantly feeling broke, why? :(

I do save, but the figures in my savings account never seem to go up :(. I tried to be frugal, but I know that's not my lifestyle and I never liked it.. Does that mean that I can never enjoy saving money? So to save money means bitter life? So I have to always be eating bread and butter or porridge with soya sauce for my 3 meals, wear clothes that last me 10 years (because I cannot go shopping), decline any invitations to go out (because that will mean spending $$) and worse, say "no" to short trips to give myself a deserved break?

That's VERY sad! No life!

If that's the case, I rather die poorly but I've lived a happy and fulfilled life, rather than dying with lots of $$ but I've probably not seen anything else but myself, my bread and my pet dog. Oops, I should be frugal so I shouldn't be having a pet dog. Argh!

But but, I really don't like the feeling of not having enough $$ to spend every month. Sighs. OH says I never set my priorities right. I just wish my course will be over soon, then my pay will increase! Please please!

Educated elderly

I was having lunch at TTSH kopitiam today and was having vegeterian bee hoon (cuz that's the only stall with no queue!). This elderly lady with her husband took a peek at my food and exclaimed aloud, "that's so healthy!"

I was gobbling my bee hoon halfway then I kinda realised she's talking about my bee hoon, so I just chuckled and told her that it's because there's no queue! Hahaha. Then we strike a conversation from my plate of bee hoon.

She asked where was I heading to, I told her I'm going to a ward in level 7 and she said, "Geriatric ward right? I know cuz we (pointing to husband) are also geriatric!" She giggled, then she went back to sharing her soya bean milk with her husband (super sweet! :D)

I was quite surprised by the term she used. Geriatrics. This is probably something that even a young layman now won't really know, let alone an elderly lady who lived in the era whereby education for girls was for the priviledged. Oh yes, she conversed with me in very good and fluent English throughout.

This is not the first time I'm seeing elderly like that.

I went to SAGE to visit once, and the one who addressed us and gave a talk was the CEO who is 72yrs old! He was so affluent and using powerpoint somemore! He gave a 3hr long lecture and he was still so robust and fit, walking around, very excited about his job. Hahaha. To me, its an eye opener.

My perception of elderly is still those who speak Hokkien/Cantonese/Mandarin/Malay, low literacy and does whatever you ask them to do. Nowadays this is not so. We've come to the age whereby elderly are getting more and more educated. They're able to converse in English fluently, perhaps even more fluent than us! There's even a council for third age for the elderly to persue higher education now!

I'm not too sure if its a good thing that elderly are becoming more educated. Well, I've seen educated and friendly elderly before, just like that one I've encountered today at TTSH. I've also seen elderly making a scene with some youngsters previously in a supermarket. The elderly man shouted at the young chap who was probably rude to him or something. He was like, "young man, you should learn to respect the elderly! You should be the one saying sorry!"

Yepps, still an educated old man, but check out the difference in attitude.

I think when people are a little more educated, they tend to get a little too high and mighty sometimes. Well, people think they know alot, they can get knowledge from internet anytime, anywhere. The pride may have brought about a nasty attitude in the elderly when they have this I'm-as-educated-as-you-but-I-eat-rice-more-than-you-eat-salt mentality..

I keep my reservations on the topic first. I shall let time show me more things before I pass a judgement on anything ya?

It just makes me wonder what kind of aging population we will be expecting in future? Its scary..

Time for work, time for play :)

Today is back to work with Monday blues..

Went to a new place today for attachment. SOO much better than my previous area! Was positively culture shocked by all the technology used. But the staff there said its bad. Well, try working in my stone age area, maybe u will prefer technology. Hahaha. Pretty nice, I'm quite expectant of my next 2 weeks here :).

The only problem is my poor sense of direction, and it really sucks. The layout of the area is round, and I keep getting "lost". So silly. And the place is not even big! Everytime I emerge from somewhere, I don't know which part of the circle I'm at anymore -_-. I think I've asked M so many times where's the toilet, where's the tea room, where's my assigned area, where's the exit etc etc. Goodness. "Kudos" to my "splendid" sense of direction. Haha.

Oh well, work is tiring, dreading. But silly things like these makes me smile at work :).

After work, I come home staring at all those ASSes again, and I feel tired. I don't feel like doing 'em at all, yet I know I don't quite have a choice.. Sighs..

The only thing I'm looking forward to, is the short trip to Genting with OH on the good Friday long weekend :). Yipeee! Its my first time to Genting (yes, call me suaku!) and I anticipate alot of fun!! :):) I also anticipate getting lost. Hurhur. So I shall stick closely to OH with superglue.

I'm quite excited for it, and that seem to be the only thing I'm looking forward to thus far. Actually wanted to go Bangkok but the tix are sooo ex during that period! With flight and accomodations + taxes, one person, cheapest we found was $435/pax.. Totally not worth it. So we went for Genting instead, hope it'll be good :).

Mommy (actually is my primary school teacher who said mommy. My mom don't say this.) always says, "there's a time to work and there's a time to play." I'm looking forward to play and not work! >_<..

Okok I shall go back to work! :(

Tiring, tiring..

I was actually typing an entry on chronic fatigue. In the midst of typing it, it just suddenly occur to me that I should see if i've already done a similar entry. True enough, just 2 entries ago, I wrote on "fatigue".

Are we really so tired? Hahaha.

I think Singaporeans (maybe other countries) share a common "language". We're constantly tired, very exhausted due to the fast pace of life and high levels of stress. I don't see anyone who's NOT tired in Singapore. For some reason, everyone seem to be constantly tired.

- From studying late night (or just studying alone is mentally draining!)

- From doing assignments

- From staring at undone assignments (sighs)

- From working late night (or simply working is tiring!)

- From having nothing to do at work

- From doing housework

- From a long day of fun outing with friends

- From walking too fast

- From eating too much

- From not eating enough (hungry)

- Weather too hot

- Weather too cold

- From shopping too hard

- From insufficient shopping

- From researching information on the internet

- From googling too much

- From youtubing late at night

- From facebooking late at night

- From blogging late at night (like yours truly)

- From insufficient sleep

- From too MUCH sleep (ironic!)

- ... ... ...

This list will never end. For SOME reason, we're always tired!

Ok now I am tired, so I shall go and sleep. But for some reason, I believe soon, I may be blogging about fatigue again. Hahaha :D

comparing...

Have you ever been compared with someone before?

From things like "aiyo your sister also can get A!" to "even a 3 year old can do better than you!", neither of them sound pleasant at all.

The thing about being compared makes us feel lousy. Yes, we tell those who come complaining/whining/confiding in us about problems like these to just "leave it, no point comparing", blah blah. But when you're the one being compared, you can't help but to feel that teeny weeny bit lousy (or maybe more than just teeny weeny in some individuals).

The competitive nature of human being causes this ego in us. With this ego (being conscious), we tend to feel just like what people has compared: u simply can't get things done better than _____ (fill in the blank). Well, I don't know, but that's how I will feel, and it causes me to have this inferiority complex, and ultimately, I simply want to withdraw and do nothing, since that _____ (fill in the blank with the same as above :D) will always do better than you. What's the point of doing anything more since you know that you'll always be compared, there'll always be this high benchmark that you can never quite get to achieve? With that inferiority complex being set (just like a delusion), I will just feel that whatever I do is just like building sandcastle in air, i.e. in VAIN.

I totally hate this kind of feeling.

Its really lousy, and now I'm feeling exactly like that. There's this benchmark that I feel I will never be able to achieve. The dreams of scoring good grades have gone down the drain. Thoughts like "can pass can already" are floating in my mind, telling me that hey, since you'll never be able to achieve anything more than that benchmark, what for work so hard?

NO MOTIVATION. ZERO.

Right now, its just getting more and more frustrating. I just wish everything can be over soon, and I don't have to feel like I'm dragging my feet/fingers to do things that I don't see any point in doing anymore. Aye!

Fatigue.

I think human beings are hard to please.

When we're working, we wished we are students.

When we're students, we wished we are working.

Now that I'm a student AND working (attachment), I wished that I'm doing neither. HAHA.

Aiyoo so tired! I think I've lost the working pace after 3 months of sedentary full-time schooling Well its not really sedentary but at least we sit in classroom, snack and use brain power, nothing physical.

Previously I was able to do a proper, hectic morning shift, STANDING (can't quite sit!), and without the need to even go for my break. Yet after work I can go swim with bf, makan with colleagues or go shopping with Ms Ang. Now, after 2 consecutive morning shifts, with full 1hr break (can go hawker centre with lecturer makan somemore) I went home with a headache and sheer fatigue. My plan to go for a short jog was screwed by my sore feet.

I'm DECONDITIONING. Functional decline secondary to SCHOOL! Goodness. I need rehabilitation!

Blogging again.. :S

Oops, its been officially 3 months since I last blogged!

To think blogging used to my "life", and now I can go ahead without blogging for 3 months. Life has changed eh?

Blogging was something so essential in my life in the past. I can blog like 3 posts everyday about all the rubbish I do (and I wonder if people even read them but who cares! Those were awesome memories :)). Not forgetting all the "teenage lingos" I used to add in my blog like lahz, lorz, hahaz, ..., worxxx, etc etc. Those were the days! I can just retrieve any entry I want and have a good read, reminiscing about all the fun moments in the past :).

I guess what made blogging such an important part of my teenage life (I blogged since sec 2!) was that when I was down and I simply just want to shy away from people, yet I wished someone can know about how I feel, I can always blog. The blog is there, it doesn't reply, it just lets you type all the ventilations you want. Yet, people can read and reply all their views, encouragements and the like in your "taggy". It's encouraging, and sometimes it allows me to see things from another perspective that I've never seen before. Just by blogging, I made friends with people around the world!

Well, back then when things weren't that complex, you can blog about all your views and anything under the sun with no reservations. But things just aren't the same. You may notice that you probably can't find any of those posts that has the "teenage lingos" I mentioned, cuz this is a new blog that was set up 2 yrs ago due to some issues that arised because of some ventilations I made in my previous blog. I still felt rather angry about it because there was nothing confidential being disclosed, neither did I "tarnish the image" of my profession (as complained). All I did was to ventilate my emotions during the very painful period of probation at work. And because of that, I almost had to face disciplinary actions by my supervisor, but thankfully she was understanding and did not do anything more than just "gentle interrogation". Hence, I had to password block my 1000+-entry blog.

This incident has destroyed my passion for blogging completely, because I have to blog with alot more caution, for fear the same things may happen again. Sometimes I don't even know how to ventilate anymore. Its just lousy. I just blog in my password protected old blog occasionally, but there's no joy in it. Slowly I just shy away from blogging.

But now, I hope I can make a comeback in blogging again! :). I shall dedicate a little more time to blog about my life, my thoughts and anything interesting that I encounter :).

Well well, the bottomline after all these rubbish, blog with caution. I've now come with a new identity, and unless you're my friend, u probably won't know what I work as, what's my real name, blah blah. Of cuz, I may have to change the way I blog alot, but I guess that's but the only thing I can do for now, in order to still enjoy blogging :).

I shall update this blog more often with my random musings :). Stay tuned! :)

See? I'm so long-winded, how can I not blog! I'm wasting my talents! HAHA :D