Demoralized...

Today is a demoralizing day.

Was being asked into my supervisor's office for a talk. I was given my feedback regarding my probation as its coming to an end. She said:

• My probation may be extended.
• The feedback abt me from the ground is not good.
• I didn't help around and I was only doing my own work.
• I'm defensive, the way I speak portray the image of me being defensive.
• I'm only "okay." when asked around about my performance.
• I'm too giggly and not professional.

I tell you, apart from the last feedback which was quite true, I was very taken aback by the comment. So taken aback, that when she asked, "do you have anything to say?", I couldn't answer her at all. I was flabbergasted by that surge of bad feedbacks..

Eventually I mustered my strength and told her how I felt and all, I couldn't take it and I cried. I guess (I hope) she realised I've been trying really hard alr cuz its not the first time I'm being called in to talk. She just patted me on my shoulder and asked me don't cry, that she was just kidding abt the extending of probation and asked me to go back to work.

Sighs.

Firstly, nobody has ever feedback to me that I never helped. In fact, I DO help, for nuts! When my side is lighter, I do junior work also! Unless I'm really busy, if not I'll help one lor... I feel that if u think I don't help you, u come and tell me straight. Why must u escalate to the supervisor level? And the best part, when my probation is coming to an end.. Why must u jeopardize my probation like that?

Secondly, I've already toned down on my defensive nature. Learnt it the hard way, very very hard way. People who knew me would have known how many moments I cried just because of the kind of trouble I get from being defensive. Seems like ytd I accidentally said something that upset my another supervisor, plus another day when I tried to clarify a certain issue to a senior staff and she got upset, and now I'm being deemed, "defensive".

Thirdly, I didn't know "okay" is a bad feedback. Sighs...

I tell you, for the whole shift I couldn't work. Somemore I was being turned down by a colleague (whom I've been trying to get to know as a friend) when I asked him out to visit a client. First an outright embarrassment, then an outright disappointment...

God, why did such thing happen to me? Am I THAT lousy? I know I'm not there yet, but is my interpersonal skills THAT bad? I really couldn't believe it.

I'm only glad that somehow somewhat I've got people around to hear me out. My seniors were there to assure me that I'm not that bad. I guess that's enough. Now most importantly is that I want to pass my probation.... I really don't want to fail. Sighs...

Gather my strength and return to work.

I really wish I could remove that mask of mine and display who I really am. Why must I be the someone whom I'm not? I love to smile. But now my smiles are getting more and more fake by the day...