Listen!

A friend, M, told us some situation that is going on in her life currently as we were having lunch after a discussion.

She was in dire straits (a little exaggerated la) and had no idea what to do next. As she spoke of her problem, the bulk of us started telling her things..

"I think you should _______!"

"Ya, I really think you should do _______..."

"How about doing ______ since you find it difficult?"

"Otherwise you can ________ la."

"If I were you, I would ________."

"I tell you what, you go and ________."

"Yayaya! You should just do _____!"

I was part of the "culprits" performing the above act. But finally at one point I got tired of trying to speak so I sat to listen. As the list of "you should" went on, I felt frustrated.

Its like, voices are going on and on telling M what to do. Have anyone listened to how she feel?

I tried asking, "What are your plans then?". It was quiet for a moment as she spoke; indeed she was rather lost. Then the silence was broken as one person started the "I think you should.." again.

I went home reflecting on the whole conversation. Many a times we thought that since people come to us with a problem, its natural that I provide an advice or a perceived solution to the problem. Well, that's what I've always thought is the right thing to do. I always have got list and list of advices to provide, stories after stories of how others or myself handled a similar situation. When these doesn't work, find some other situation that's worse and tell your friend, "so its okay, things aren't that bad yet." I used to feel proud of my counselling skills, thinking I'm not too bad as a "counsellor" at such a young age!

However, I learnt that in counselling, active listening is very important. I believe that applies to when you talk to your friends too. And guess what's a taboo? Providing advices and suggestions (well I believe it's important but not at the initial stages, definitely not after a mere few sessions of sharing). Quite contrary to popular beliefs of since-she-come-to-me-for-advice-so-I-give-many-advices isn't it?

A friend of mine once told me, "sometimes when people share something with you, its not because they want an advice. You think you're the first person who told them this advice? U're probably the 100th person. They just need a listening ear. You don't have to say anything more. Just be there." That slapped me awake from believing I'm that great. Hahaha. But I will always remember this statement.

As I sat there to listen to everything, I really felt frustrated. In the same way, I believe M probably felt frustrated as well. Then I remembered what my friend said, and it's really true. Here I am, encountering a situation that I believe M probably just needed someone to hear her out and not jump into giving her what seemed to be the "best" advice.

Well, what's done has been done. I guess since M felt comfortable confiding in us, I do believe that she also felt thankful that we tried to provide some solutions to her current problem. But I guess, learning from this incident, I should always remember to take time to listen instead of jumping into providing suggestions that we deem the best.

Food for thought for the day!