Apologies...

I had a chat with Junyuan the other day about this particular person. Just few months back, when I was still serving in church, she was my leader, my teacher. She taught me many important and useful lessons and principles in life. How to handle situations in godly manner. She tried to be personal, and I know she is. But maybe due to her authority over me as a leader, there was a barrier between us and honestly I just can't share the deepest of my personal thoughts to her..

But to me, she was a friend and someone whom I know I can look to if I needed advice. She taught me how to be a leader. She led me to my calling for God and she encouraged me when I was broken by members of the cg. However, in my eyes, our relationship was no more than that of a leader and disciple. I simply did not dare to show her that I really couldn't cope with the leadership role in church as much as she thought I could.

I guess, for too long, I have been maintain too much of a spatiality between us, so naturally I suppressed too much of how I really felt. Despite toying with the idea of leaving, I struggled to stay on but I still try to appear spiritual in front of her and my members for the sake of the cg. God knows, and I know. Eventually I left church as the cg disbands. And naturally, she was the first person I couldn't face. I know I broke her heart by leaving, I've disappointed her as I wasn't able to meet her expectations.

She tried to contact me but I really can't face her. Moreover, being in church for too long, I know that she's also making attempts to bring me back to church again. At that point of time, the idea really puts me off, and I didn't want to respond to any of her calls, email or smses.

Of cuz, she is still someone dear to me as all that she taught me are valuable lessons to me. I try to catch up on her life by reading her blog, but each time I read it, I felt so remorseful as I thought about what I've done. Part of me wants to explain and apologise to her. The other part of me is too proud, ashamed, afraid to do so.

So as I was saying, I told Junyuan about what happened. He told me to take the initiative and email or sms her. I picked up my phone and didn't know what to text her. I opened my email and I didn't know where to start...

Sighs. I just pray that somehow something will happen.. Like a script will fall from heaven. Or somehow she'll see a vision of how guilty I am. Or whatever that will let her know that I am really sorry about leaving abruptly and being uncontactable subsequently.

God, can u teach me what to do..? :S