The straw that break the camel's back

Yes, its probably the nth time this month that I'm writing about how drained I am, but I do need to ventilate. Sighs.

I think as a workaholic and a Type A personality person, I've grown accustomed to high levels of stress and in fact, am able to work better with stress sometimes. Well I do not deny the fact that my face becomes as black as charcoal and I'm irritable and fiesty when I'm undergoing tremendous stress, but I can cope ok with it.

BUT. I have no idea why, the constant high levels of stress have caused apathy in me. You know, a rubber band can be stretched, but there'll ultimately be a breaking point and there goes. I guess that's the same as the theory of the last straw that break the camel's back. Well, my back has long been broken. Now I'm in this apathetic (is there such a word?) state, lost all motivation and become increasingly frustrated and irritable. Just like a little camel who's broken his back, now he can't walk anymore and he's just feeling sorry for himself and lazing around.....

I started this course 4 months ago, along with my colleagues with high expectations. We dreamt big dreams about scoring good grades. We visualised ourselves working hard together, studying together and scoring good marks together. We bragged about how we will show our supervisors some results of our hard work so that they won't complain that they made wrong choice to send us for advancement.

But 4 months later, this excitement, this dream, this expectation, has all died down along with all the crap that came with the stress. Its not so much of the workload. Yes, its heavy workload, but I feel that its workload that is not applicable, not justifiable, not relevant, that's causing me to feel so frustrated. Well, like I've said, I can cope with stressful workloads (of cuz with a charcoal black face and hot temper), but not things that I cannot justify myself for doing it. The more work I do, the more I ask myself, 'what's the purpose of doing this? Is it gonna be applicable?" and many a times I find that I cannot find an answer to that.

With another 4 months to go, I just wonder how am I going to survive and pull through. With the level of motivation declining with the days and apathy rising by the minutes, I don't know how to last anymore. Its a lousy feeling. Whatever happened to all the high hopes, beautiful dreams and aspirations that came with the course? I don't want to go through the remaining 4 months with such a lousy attitude, because I know I will just produce crap after crap, getting angrier and angrier.

On a lighter note, its already midway into the course and just a little more and we'll be over and done with. As I'll always remember from my fellow colleague cum senior, A, who taught me how to survive the harshness of working life, there's always SOMETHING to learn, somewhere, somehow, even in the lousiest situation. I shall sit down over the weekend, with assignments piling beside me as my companion, and reflect on the learning lesson behind this.

Oh I've forgot. I have to go back to school for lesson in the morning later, on a nice Saturday morning. Aye..

NVM. Count my blessings. Be optimistic! *psycho psycho*